I originally wrote this in a much angrier tone, expected at most a few dozen reads. It was, make no mistake, a work of catharsis, a rant. To this day I avoid using Zoom because I keep hearing his butt-ugly voice saying “let me share my screen,” never actually showing anything but solely because he was a fucking droid.

Then the story took off, with hundreds, then thousands of readers, so I revisited it and toned it way, way down.

And since most developers nowadays are zero-attention-span kids who think horseshit like scrum and TDD are real work, I am not going to waste my time making comparisons.

As for teams, I won’t even use the word, it sounds too much like football. I don’t usually work in groups unless they are very small, e.g. me on the server and one other dev in the browser. The larger the “team,” the greater the chance, exponentially so, that one of them is an asshole like L. I usually work alone, I can manage details and responsibilities and I don’t like taking orders from people who have never coded. Nor do I like people like L who have no real understanding but are just going through the motions. I took this job because I like cryptography but had I known they didn’t have a design document or a regression suite I would have turned it down.

Before I had finished my third year as a developer I had singlehandedly shipped two Microsoft products, one of them the very first version of the SQL Server Management Console that millions use now. It was one of the very first MS products written in C++.

I’m not like you guys with your test-driven development and your sprint retrospectives and your pair programming.

And your “teams.”

Written by

American Software Developer living in Vietnam. Classical musician (guitar, woodwinds), weightlifter, multilingual, misanthrope • XY

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