For me the idiotic ceremonial standup (we didn’t) turned my 30 minute commute to a 90 minute commute and they refused to change the time. It is consisted of

  1. coworkers saying they were working on the same thing as yesterday with a little more progress
  2. PMs putting on a show of being “engaged” spritzing buzz about “stories” and all that Agile Newspeak bullshit.

My impression of scrum in all its manifestations is like two chess players making their moves from a book of classic chess games, not actually playing. Everything about those methodologies has a “going through the motions” feel to it and you will find very few senior developers who don’t regard them as utterly worthless.

I did pair programming once. It so happens it was three days after my father’s funeral and the uh “person” I had to do it with was one of those foreigners from a culture where obedience is the highest virtue, a complete lickspittle and Microsoft sycophant. At one point he went to my whiteboard to explain polymorphism to me, which I had understood when he was suckling at his mother’s breast. I got no sleep that night, emailed him that I could not do this shit anymore, but when I arrived he came to my office anyway and pulled up the chair. I went to my manager’s office, took his scissors from his pencil cup, and cut my cardkey in half and walked out.

Eleven years later I went into counseling to put the PTSD that three hours of pair programming had left me with behind me.

I only freelance now but were I in an interview and PP came up in any context other than “we don’t do that shit here,” I would walk out without a word.

American Software Developer living in Vietnam. Classical musician (guitar, woodwinds), weightlifter, multilingual, misanthrope • XY

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